crush
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Tomorrow is my best friend from high school's birthday and I've been putting off sending him a simple email. It's 30 years later now and, even though he now knows that I'm gay and have a boyfriend and all that, I'm still afraid that if I slip and tip my hand he (and his wife and kids) will figure out that for four full years of my teenage life I was madly, wildly, deeply, tragically in love with him. 30 years, and a few good relationships and therapists later, and I still weigh my words when I write to him to make certain my email seems appropriately caring, warm and friendly, but also laidback and, yeah, manly.
My calendar in Outlook keeps popping up the annual reminder for his birthday and I keep hitting "snooze."
5 Comments:
This may be rather naive of me but aren't you excused from being a man's man (no pun intended) at every moment of the day? I'm a fat chick and the stereotype I get labeled with is "lazy" and that I eat ice cream all day so if I want to sleep in 3 days in a row, I just do because people are going to assume that's what I'm doing anyway. I hate ice cream but if I take my kids to 31 Flavors and order one of those (sort of) coffee flavored things made with ice cream, I don't even think twice about people seeing "that fat lady eating junk food."
I hate stereotypes, labels, and all the things that sit in the same hand. But, at times, they can be used to our advantage. If people are going to assume something about you, the why work your ass off to prove them wrong? They're going to think that no matter what you do.
Oh, hell... I'm rambling.
Good luck... I'm sure it will be brilliant no matter what you do. If all else fails, go to blue mountain and let them say it for you.
Well, it all goes back to high school. I worked really hard to appear funny, laidback and manly because I assumed I'd lose his friendship (and a lot of other friendships) if I was anything else. I'm not really flamboyant to begin with, but I was terrified to let any hint of anything show. I'm well passed that for the most part these days...until I get into one of these rare situations that bring it all back, every so suddenly. I wrote him a nice note. He's a good guy. It will all be cool. I just have to tell that 16 year old lurking inside of me that there's nothing to worry about anymore.
It is amazing, after all the years, how much things from that period of our lives still have the power to get under our skin, isn't it? Even though you tell yourself it's nonsense and, hell that was years ago and I'm entirely different now! But it's all still there in its way, and then something like this trips it.
You would be surprised how far honesty can take you. Sounds like you think that this guy is already comfortable with you but might be put off by a crush?
I THINK you still have a crush. And its about that, and not the gayness.
It can intimidate him, and unless you really see some sort of action or relationship, keep it a fantasy. Sometimes fantasy is better than reality.
BUT if you dont have the crush any more, then tell him you used to. It will flatter him.
But he will suspect you still have one. LOL.
A conundrum. A well, good luck!
Hey Frank, good advice. Then again, it wasn't really advice. But then again it was, kind of.... or at least a lot of different pieces of advice.... Then again.... :)
Actually, the vacillations in your comment hit on the complexity of my feelings and of the situation. I don't live in the crush on my old friend the way I did for so many years during and after high school. Yet, when I deal with him many of the old feelings come back, as unrealistic and unrequited as they may be. There really is no chance of exploring these feelings. He's straight and married and I love his wife and kids. I'm in a very good relationship of my own. We live far away from each other. The feelings are those of a teenager and haven't developed passed what they were thirty years ago. So, I really don't need to tell him about the crush I had or its vestiges that surface when we're in touch. I don't really want to create an awkward situation for him or his wife or for me and Bob. What I do want to do is stay in touch with someone who knew me a long time ago and who I still care about. And if these feelings surface and I have to talk them out with other friends to get past them, so be it. Feelings take a long time to catch up with what our minds know and often need coaxing and comforting.
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