take two porn videos and call me in the morning

(Warning: depending on your relationship to me this post may border on "TMI.")

My doctor gave me a scare on Wednesday, telling me he had cleared his schedule for two p.m. on Thursday for me to come in for ultrasound on my prostate. Needless to say I didn't sleep well Wednesday night. He doesn't communicate well and didn't explain why he was suddenly giving my prostate so much attention. In fact, this was a change from my usual experience with him. For the past three or four years my last-minute appointments have been relegated to the attention of his physician's assistants and I have had to wait weeks for him to see me for scheduled check ups. But suddenly on Wednesday he wanted to see me himself, A.S.A.P, and I had nightmares of chemotherapy, prostatectomy or orchiectomy (words that aren't naturally part of my vocabulary).

As it turned out, my prostate is just a little enlarged (the official term is benign prostatic hyperplasia or BPH) and the only reason he had cleared his schedule so quickly was because I had given him shit last week during my annual physical about how hard it was for me to get an appointment with him instead of with one of his staff members. I almost slugged him.

At any rate, the treatment options that he described are simple to choose from:

• take PROSCAR and risk impotence, loss of sexual desire, decreased ejaculation and breast enlargement and/or tenderness, breast lumps and nipple discharge. Oh and quite possibly pregnant woman would not be allowed to shake hands with me.
  
• change my diet, and follow a stringent nutritional regime.
  
• masturbate more frequently.

Hmm. Let's see. What should I do? That's a hard one. And where do I get the prescription filled for that third option?